


I Never Told You

by oneindigorose



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sad Mickey, Terry Milkovich (mentioned) - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-01
Updated: 2015-09-01
Packaged: 2018-04-18 09:48:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4701563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oneindigorose/pseuds/oneindigorose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in S03E12 when Mickey finds out that Ian is leaving for the army. Mickey doesn't know how to tell Ian how he feels and he panics. (Sucky summary. Just read it.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Never Told You

Oh I never told you   
What I should have said  
No, I never told you  
I just held it in

“Don’t.”

The word tears out of his throat before he even registers it. There is so much he wants to say, so many things rushing through his mind, but he can’t say them. He can’t bring himself to bear his heart like that. He’s not a fucking faggot. He’s not.

He is.

“Don’t what?” Ian’s voice is almost disappointed, like he knows Mickey won’t say anything else. He doesn’t know that Mickey can’t. The words won’t come out and his throat is constricting and he can’t breathe and he needs help. 

He has to squeeze his eyes shut to block out the tears that want to fall. Milkoviches don’t cry. He wants to tell Ian that he loves him and that he’s sorry. He wants to beg him to stay, to let Mickey be enough for now.

He doesn’t make a sound.

He hears Ian walk away. He hears Mandy talk to him about something, then he can’t hear at all. There’s a whooshing sound in his ears and his throat is closing up. He can’t breathe. Mandy comes in and he must have said something because she leaves. 

He’s scared. Mickey Milkovich is scared out of his mind. His vision starts to blur and he can’t breathe. He’s dying. He’ll never get to tell Ian how he feels. He’ll never kiss him or touch him or see him again. Mickey can’t even feel bad for himself. He’s just so scared.  
He slides onto the floor. He’s on his knees, almost like he’s praying, but everyone knows Milkoviches don’t pray. He might’ve yelled, he doesn’t know anymore. There’s something wet on his cheeks. He might be crying. He’s not allowed to cry. He’s not supposed to cry. 

He can’t stop. 

He knows what’s happening. It used to happen when he was a kid, when his parents would fight. He would get so scared and he would just collapse. Mandy, even as a tiny little girl, was the only one that would help. But now she’s gone and he doesn’t know what to do.

He wants Ian to help. He needs Ian to help him. But just like Mandy, Ian gave up. He was done pretending like Mickey was actually worth it. Mickey couldn’t blame him. Mickey Milkovich didn’t deserve love. Not from anyone. 

He’s gasping for air now. He needs help, Mickey Milkovich needs help. He’s afraid that he really will die. The panic from that thought alone sends him into another spiral of panic. He’s shaking, he thinks he might be cold. He isn’t certain. All of the sudden, his mouth is   
open and he’s yelling. Not a big sentence or anything, just a name.

“Ian!”

The front door opens. He can here footsteps pounding towards him. He’s so confused and scared. Is it the cops? Have they discovered the many illegal items in the house? Is it Terry? If it’s Terry, Mickey knows he won’t be alive to see the next day.   
Someone drops down to their knees in front of him. He lets out another cry and tries to move. He can’t move and he doesn’t know what to do. Is this it? Is this the end?

It isn’t.

He recognizes Ian’s pale skin and worn jeans. He can feel hands on his face. He faintly hears someone telling him to breathe. In, out, in, out. Again. Eventually he can breathe on his own, the only interruption being hiccupping sobs that are still being wrenched from his body every few seconds. 

He still hasn’t looked up. If he does he knows he’ll be faced with pity. He doesn’t want that. Maybe Ian senses that because he removes his hands from Mickey’s tear-stained face and begins to stand.

“No! Don’t leave! Please!” Mickey pleads in a rough voice, latching onto the red head’s shoulders. Ian slides back onto the floor, pulling Mickey onto his lap to straddle him (in a very non-sexual way). The position, which would’ve usually been broken apart quickly by the older boy, was met with an appreciative nod before Mickey buried his head in Ian’s shoulder and let the last of his tears escape. 

“I’m not going anywhere, Mick. It’s okay. It’s all just fine.” Ian soothed into Mickey’s hair as his breathing finally evened out. 

To say Mickey was embarrassed was probably the understatement of the year. He couldn’t bring himself to acknowledge Ian. He knew that if he did, Ian would want answers and confessions that Mickey couldn’t make. He knew that Ian would leave for good if he didn’t say anything though. So he slowly lifted his head and looked into Ian’s worried eyes.

He’s sorry.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, trying to convey all of the apologies that he owed the green eyed boy at once. 

“You have nothing to be sorry for. This wasn’t your fault Mick. I’m not angry.” Ian soothed, pulling Mickey into his arms again. “You freaked out, it happens to all of us. Don’t be embarrassed.” 

Mickey was suddenly angered by the dismissal of his apology. Couldn’t Ian see that he was trying? Couldn’t he tell that this was hard for Mickey to do? “Stop acting like it’s all fucking nothing! I’m the worst! Why can’t you just be angry? Why won’t you understand that I’m hurting you more than I can ever help you?! I’m bad and you’re good and this can’t work, Ian!”

Ian stiffened under Mickey. “I want you to be honest right now. Do you really want me to leave? Just say the word and I’m gone, Mick. I’m not a stupid kid anymore! I can tell when something is a waste of my time! I know when I need to leave. So just let me know if you want me out and I’ll be gone. For good, Mickey.” Ian ranted, letting his words fall heavy   
on Mickey’s shoulders.

For a while, Ian’s words are only met with silence as Mickey lowers his eyes again. He has to tell Ian. He has to confess. He needs to voice his love and want and need. He needs Ian. Ian seems to think Mickey is choosing not to respond just to annoy him. He gets agitated.

“What’s your answer?” He bites out. 

Mickey takes a deep breath before looking up and letting all of his words finally come out.  
“I’m sorry that I don’t always tell you how I fuckin’ feels all the time. I don’t want you to leave. I just want to be enough for you. And I’m scared that I’m not what you want. I just want you to love me and want me, even when I’m in a shitty mood or if I’m a wreck, like today.” 

Ian is shocked. He doesn’t know how to respond to Mickey’s confession. He’d been dreaming of it for so long but he always assumed there would be more time. He never even thought about what to say. He never prepared for it.

Once again Mickey spoke. His voice wrecked and wobbly, his eyes red-rimmed and swollen. All he uttered was; “I just want you to love me like I love you.” Then his shoulders sagged and he braced himself for the rejection. He knew Ian wanted to leave. He knew that he wasn’t enough. He just needed Ian to know that he was enough for someone. He was more than enough for Mickey Milkovich.

“Mick,” Ian started, trying to organize his thoughts.

“Look Ian, I know that you want to leave. Don’t sugar coat it. Don’t tell me that I’m a great guy. Just give it to me straight and then get the fuck out.” Mickey interrupts, his voicing growing angry.

“Mickey, I’m not leaving. Not today or tomorrow, or the next day. I love YOU. And I’m not gonna let the army ruin that. Yeah, it was my dream, but you’re way more important.” Ian says, looking straight into Mickey’s wide eyes.

Mickey just pulls Ian impossibly closer and returns his head to Ian’s shoulder. Mumbling a quick okay and letting his face break into a grin. After all of his panic today, he finally found peace.

Maybe someone really could love Mickey Milkovich. 

 

Fin.~

**Author's Note:**

> I might create a little series featuring random scenes that I think could've made great Mickey-centric scenes.
> 
> Comment and kudos please!


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